Monday, November 10, 2014

Fake It 'til You Make It

Dear Emmersyn,

     Going through medical training, there was a statement our professors always told us; "fake it 'til you make it". What they were trying to instill in our class of nervous PA students was confidence and self assurance. Nobody wants to see a healthcare provider that is apprehensive, anxious, and lacking confidence. If you can't conquer confidence just yet, you put on a brave face and "fake" it. Eventually, what you will learn is that you never really had to "fake" it in the first place. The knowledge and the skill were there all along. You only needed to calm your fears and recognize the truth. It was never truly lack of self assurance nor lack of knowledge that tripped you up in the first place. It was simply an every growing fear. Fear of failure. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of feeling inadequate. By "faking" confidence, you take a little power away from that fear, until eventually fear has no more power.
    After five years of practice, I am now back to the "fake it 'til you make it" mentality. No longer with work of course, but with you and your medical care. Every time someone asks how I am doing, I answer "I am fine". They cannot see my inner turmoil. They cannot feel the knot in the pit of my stomach. They cannot hear the 'what ifs' running through my head. They cannot imagine the burden of my worry. They remark at how calm and together I seem, because they themselves would be freaking out right now if this was happening to their child. I just nod and smile, faking the calm with every forced smile and warm hug. Eventually, I will no longer have to "fake" the calm. Eventually this perceived calm will come somewhat naturally to me. Every time I put on a brave face and participate in life instead of letting the negative overcome me, I take away a little power from the fear. Every time I let myself enjoy your beautiful smile and contagious laugh instead of perseverating on your growing tumor, pain, or motor deficits, I take power from the fear.
    Last week, I referred to this feeling as a numbness, because I lacked a better understanding. I also did not know how it was becoming so easy for me to "fake" the calm leading up to your MRI in two days. Don't get me wrong, I have had you hospital bag and snacks packed for days. I have had  arrangement made for your brothers for weeks. I have toys packed and schedules set. I still have sleepless nights and moments of weakness. But the only way out of this never ending storm, is to focus on the calm and fake it 'til I make it. Keeping my faith bigger than my fears, and focusing on the calm leading into this week. Whatever this study reveals, whatever decisions are made, I know we are strong enough to make it through it.

Love you always
Mommy

No comments:

Post a Comment