Decisions

Dear Emmersyn,
       The past 10 months since your diagnosis have been a whirlwind. We have so much to be thankful for, and those things are what get me through each day. But there are so many things to worry about. I lie awake night after night worrying. I try not to worry. I try to be thankful for all we have and not focus on the 'what ifs'. But it is hard not to. Your pain is complex and confusing. I wish it would just go away. In 2 weeks, you will be having another MRI to help us decide what path to take with your tumor. I am not sure what I am hoping for to honest. I do not want to put you through surgery, but I cannot take seeing you in so much pain. If tumor resection will provide you some relief, than we will take the short term pain of surgery in order to provide you long term relief. There are so many risks with surgery, bleeding, anesthesia, nerve damage, chronic pain, functional loss, the tumor growing back. Is it worth it? I cannot take sitting here and watching this tumor grow bigger and bigger; watching your pain escalate and your abilities decline. Am I being selfish in wanting the tumor gone? So many emotions to work through in just a few weeks. Hoping the MRI and meeting with Neuro-oncology will help us make the right decision for you. I hate the thought of putting you through surgery, but I cannot sit back and watch you fade. And we are finally getting an MRI of your brain, which gives me almost as much anxiety as discussing your tumor. What if we find a brain tumor? There I go with the 'what ifs' again. One day at a time is all we can do. I once read this quote "don't worry about tomorrows problems until tomorrow. You do not have tomorrows strength yet. You simply have enough for today". Praying that God will guide the doctors, and help us to make the best decision for you. We love you, and no matter the outcome, we are tough enough to find a way. Taking it one day at a time, and today was a beautiful day!

Love you always
Mommy